Sometimes people ask me why being polyamorous is important to me, why I want it, IF I really do want it. Sometimes it's me, asking myself, usually while I'm hyperventilating in the fetal position. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. The truth though? I don't really feel like I have a choice. It's an integral part of my sexuality, an integral part of me.
When I started "seriously dating" (read: dating and fucking) at the tender age of 14, I always made an agreement with my boyfriends that as they were not girls, and I was very much attracted to girls, I would still be intimate with girls, literally whenever I had a chance. They were usually okay with this. Without fail, though, there would always come a time that there would be a boy that I would want, and as that was unheard of unless you were either the worst kind of slut, or one of the weird goth kids that all sexed each other on a regular basis (In hindsight I was probably in the wrong friend group), I didn't know how to ask for it. It was simply not done. So I would end my relationships, (or I would cheat, which usually meant ending my relationships anyway, as I feel guilt very strongly) which was sometimes what I wanted anyway, but more than once was just my lust for variety, and had nothing to do with my feelings toward my partner.
Around the time I was 18, I learned about ethical non monogamy, and I was like "Yes. That. So much that". Unfortunately, I soon learned that a goodly portion of people that agreed to an open relationship had a very poor concept of ethics, and just wanted to fuck everyone with a blatant disregard for the feelings of anyone, and used the term "open relationship" as a shield, as an excuse, or as a way to explain away their long term partner that they forget to mention ("Don't ask, don't tell" is now a huge red flag, and I am adamant to the point of obsession about meeting my partner's partners and having them meet mine).
The nice boys that I knew that wanted to date me wanted monogamy, and after all the douchebags with the lying and the cheating, I really just wanted a loving commitment with someone I could trust. Maybe this would be different, maybe this time I could be monogamous. Maybe they were different. Maybe we could be enough for each other. Maybe I wouldn't get resentful when they couldn't meet all of my needs or when I couldn't, or no longer wanted to meet all of theirs.
Nope. Absolutely not a thing. What it comes down to is that I have lots of needs, and I've never found ANYONE that can meet all of them. Because that person doesn't exist, and monogamy doesn't guarantee you a loving, committed relationship with someone you can trust.
Being polyamorous is a part of me. I've had to unlearn so many stupid ideas of what constitutes real love, what it's okay for me to ask for, what is not okay to put up with. What I want, what I need. What I can handle. Sometimes it's really fucking hard. Sometimes you feel like you're going to die because you feel so awful. But isn't that always the risk you take when you open yourself up to love? More love might mean more pain, but it's still more love. And love is beautiful, and so fucking worth it.
Tuesday, 13 January 2015
Thursday, 6 November 2014
All the Issues.
I have issues. Codependency, abandonment, control, insecurity, self worth, issues. I come by them honestly. I was never taught how to really love, myself or anyone else. I was taught abuse, in so many forms. I was taught that if you loved something, you controlled it. If the thing you love cannot be controlled, you run. You either physically pick up and take the fuck off, or you metaphorically run away with substance abuse or emotional affairs. This has obviously not taught me to be a healthy, functional adult, especially in romantic relationships. I have a filter that tells me that no one will like me if I say what I think and act how I feel, that there will always be someone better and lovelier and more worthy of being wanted, because they're just, more than I am. I don't know how to(or have any desire to be) anyone other than myself though, so that ends up with a lot of me just, not saying anything, and watching the better, lovelier, mores of the world take over my desired spaces, which I secede, because I feel I'm undeserving anyway, and we may as well get it over with. I will not fight for things I want, because I am too afraid to lose. Rejection is basically an affirmation of everything I feel about myself.
How then, to learn to love myself? I know how to be independent in the basic ways, I can support myself financially, I enjoy my own company, etc. I know it's okay to ask people for help, to have a support system of friends, but it just always feels wrong. I'm either too candid and get myself in trouble, or I'm not honest and it doesn't help anyway. Where's the balance? How do I not overwhelm people with all of my bullshit? People have their own lives, and I'm not really worth the time. All I ever do is feel feelings, and I'm good to talk to, but my problems are so fucking stupid.
How then, to learn to love myself? I know how to be independent in the basic ways, I can support myself financially, I enjoy my own company, etc. I know it's okay to ask people for help, to have a support system of friends, but it just always feels wrong. I'm either too candid and get myself in trouble, or I'm not honest and it doesn't help anyway. Where's the balance? How do I not overwhelm people with all of my bullshit? People have their own lives, and I'm not really worth the time. All I ever do is feel feelings, and I'm good to talk to, but my problems are so fucking stupid.
Saturday, 9 August 2014
Five Years in Vancouver(What Now?)
A few days ago was my five year anniversary of being a bonafide Vancouver resident. I gotta tell you, it's been a great and crazy five years. I've met so many people that are just super, and some that really just sucked. I've loved, learned and lost. I've been semi homeless, gotten my father arrested, performed in a burlesque show, done MDMA, mushrooms and even tried cocaine once (yucky). I've been drugged at a bar, swam naked in the ocean, adopted a cat, racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt and sold my panties to a stranger. I've had to deal with the grief of people dying, I've gotten tattoos. I've been to a crazy amount of concerts and shows, met celebrities and had just, so much sex. I've been a vegetarian, and gone gluten-free. The greatest people I've ever known I've met here. I've dated, become a feminist, had an eating disorder and found my self respect.
And I've decided that maybe the city isn't for me.
It's loud and expensive. People are shallow and selfish. It takes forever to do anything. I work all of the time, but I never have any money. I have to live with strangers, which means I never really feel comfortable in my own home. I'm sick of having to have headphones in to be able to think. I miss being able to go for a walk in the woods, being able to walk everywhere. I'm just unhappy. I guess my heart is just more small town than I thought.
The answer seems clear to me. Move. But it gets harder when I realize that if I go, I'm going alone. Again. I'd lose my partner. He's not interested in just picking up and moving away. And I mean, if I'm just sitting in my new, lovely apartment, in lovely, rural BC downing wine and crying, holding my cat until he squawks and runs away because I'm so fucking alone, that's not really an improvement. Although I'd able to afford more wine. I'll have so much free time I could probably just make the damn wine, since I'll be so fucking alone. It would get better though. I'd make friends, I'm friendly. I've got vibrators, I'd get off- I mean by. I'd get by. Whereas I feel that Vancouver has just, plateaued. I'm too drained and broke to do any of the fun things, I hate my apartment but can't afford to move into something better. I don't know what to do.
And I've decided that maybe the city isn't for me.
It's loud and expensive. People are shallow and selfish. It takes forever to do anything. I work all of the time, but I never have any money. I have to live with strangers, which means I never really feel comfortable in my own home. I'm sick of having to have headphones in to be able to think. I miss being able to go for a walk in the woods, being able to walk everywhere. I'm just unhappy. I guess my heart is just more small town than I thought.
The answer seems clear to me. Move. But it gets harder when I realize that if I go, I'm going alone. Again. I'd lose my partner. He's not interested in just picking up and moving away. And I mean, if I'm just sitting in my new, lovely apartment, in lovely, rural BC downing wine and crying, holding my cat until he squawks and runs away because I'm so fucking alone, that's not really an improvement. Although I'd able to afford more wine. I'll have so much free time I could probably just make the damn wine, since I'll be so fucking alone. It would get better though. I'd make friends, I'm friendly. I've got vibrators, I'd get off- I mean by. I'd get by. Whereas I feel that Vancouver has just, plateaued. I'm too drained and broke to do any of the fun things, I hate my apartment but can't afford to move into something better. I don't know what to do.
Wednesday, 28 May 2014
Super Sick of this Patriarchy (Why I'm a Feminist)
I actually dislike having to call myself a feminist because I am SUPER into gender equality, I hate that I have to specify between men and women and not just people. I don't like pronouns and gender normativity. Unfortunately, with this topic, that's unrealistic. When we stop living in a patriarchy, I'll stop calling myself a feminist.
I'm in a pretty rough place right now. All this misogyny, all this hatred and pain, this outspoken ignorance, it's tearing me up, and it's making me angry. Really fucking angry. For every great article I read about feminism, rape culture and furthering our society to a place that we can all live without fear of violence, there's a thousand assholes posting stuff like "You're just saying this because you gave a guy head and he didn't love you" and "Yeah, but if you just didn't wear skirts, you wouldn't get raped as often" and it's making me fucking sick. The Slutwalk Rally Facebook page is just crowded with awful, and the people that want respect and equality, we're told to just shrug it off, be the bigger person. On the fucking page that belongs to us, and our event. So I wrote this, even though it's more of the same thing that everyone has been posting, because I need to. Or I'm going to explode.
I was trying to discuss with my brother that misogyny is why I was in a horrible mood yesterday and my loving, caring, awesome brother says to me, with so much scorn and disdain in his voice"So are you like, a feminist now? You know that women abuse men, too. Not all men are like that." And I just stood up and walked out of the room so I could go and cry in the shower. This man that I've known my whole life, that I have helped teach to respect and love women, is giving me shit for being a feminist. He's a "Not All Men" man. Oh, how my heart did break. I know that it's not all men. It's just, not the point. Automatically going on the defensive is taking away from the issues. Saying that not all men rape doesn't change the fact that most women have been raped and that all women have suffered because of our bullshit patriarchal society. I love men. I love people. WHAT I DON'T LOVE IS VIOLENCE. I don't love that I have to be afraid to walk through the park by my house at night. I don't love that my first experiences with sex were me being abused and used, I hate that I thought that that is all I deserved. I hate the heartbreaking #YesAllWomen posts that have been crowding my news feed, not because I don't want to see them, but because every single woman has experienced this bullshit, and no, it hasn't been at the hands of every single man we've met in our lives, but that ISN'T THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that we're scared and we don't want to have to be scared anymore.
Anti-Feminists like to post stuff about how women rape men, too. Do you know why women rape men now, too? Because we're all growing up in this same bullshit rape culture, we're taught that we can take what we want from others without their consent, through coercion or if they're vulnerable or not following "the rules". And that is what is NOT okay. Do you imagine that female rapists identify as feminists? That they're into gender equality and consent? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. Every group has crazy extremists, obviously, but for the most part, all of the feminists I know are just into safety, consent, respect and equality.
I don't want to overthrow the patriarchy to replace it with a matriarchy, I just don't want a gender-based hierarchy at all.
I'm in a pretty rough place right now. All this misogyny, all this hatred and pain, this outspoken ignorance, it's tearing me up, and it's making me angry. Really fucking angry. For every great article I read about feminism, rape culture and furthering our society to a place that we can all live without fear of violence, there's a thousand assholes posting stuff like "You're just saying this because you gave a guy head and he didn't love you" and "Yeah, but if you just didn't wear skirts, you wouldn't get raped as often" and it's making me fucking sick. The Slutwalk Rally Facebook page is just crowded with awful, and the people that want respect and equality, we're told to just shrug it off, be the bigger person. On the fucking page that belongs to us, and our event. So I wrote this, even though it's more of the same thing that everyone has been posting, because I need to. Or I'm going to explode.
I was trying to discuss with my brother that misogyny is why I was in a horrible mood yesterday and my loving, caring, awesome brother says to me, with so much scorn and disdain in his voice"So are you like, a feminist now? You know that women abuse men, too. Not all men are like that." And I just stood up and walked out of the room so I could go and cry in the shower. This man that I've known my whole life, that I have helped teach to respect and love women, is giving me shit for being a feminist. He's a "Not All Men" man. Oh, how my heart did break. I know that it's not all men. It's just, not the point. Automatically going on the defensive is taking away from the issues. Saying that not all men rape doesn't change the fact that most women have been raped and that all women have suffered because of our bullshit patriarchal society. I love men. I love people. WHAT I DON'T LOVE IS VIOLENCE. I don't love that I have to be afraid to walk through the park by my house at night. I don't love that my first experiences with sex were me being abused and used, I hate that I thought that that is all I deserved. I hate the heartbreaking #YesAllWomen posts that have been crowding my news feed, not because I don't want to see them, but because every single woman has experienced this bullshit, and no, it hasn't been at the hands of every single man we've met in our lives, but that ISN'T THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that we're scared and we don't want to have to be scared anymore.
Anti-Feminists like to post stuff about how women rape men, too. Do you know why women rape men now, too? Because we're all growing up in this same bullshit rape culture, we're taught that we can take what we want from others without their consent, through coercion or if they're vulnerable or not following "the rules". And that is what is NOT okay. Do you imagine that female rapists identify as feminists? That they're into gender equality and consent? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. Every group has crazy extremists, obviously, but for the most part, all of the feminists I know are just into safety, consent, respect and equality.
I don't want to overthrow the patriarchy to replace it with a matriarchy, I just don't want a gender-based hierarchy at all.
Friday, 25 April 2014
The Problem With Pronouns (I Just Want To Be A Drag Queen)
Quick caveat: I use the word "stereotypically" a lot in this post. Stereotypical is not synonymous with normal, nor is it meant to be all inclusive. Just because you're in the specified group, doesn't mean I think you do the specified thing. I don't think anyone is better/worse/more normal whether or not they fit into their stereotypical groups. We're all special fucking snowflakes. I think that applying stereotypes to individuals based on anything is wrong, but if the average majority of any specific group happens to do something more than the average majority of a different group, they are more stereotypically into that thing. That's all. Just averages. Don't get your panties in a twist, and don't think that just because I say "panties" that I mean they're on a woman.
I decided (today) to start identifying as "Gender-fluid". I have chosen this orientation after extensive research and soul searching and to correspond with my pansexuality. I have oft wished that my gender was as fluid as my sexuality, which, as many of you know, is pretty fucking fluid(in more ways than one. Hey-o. Female ejaculation joke. You're welcome). I am attracted to basically everyone. I was attracted to boys and girls as a child and when I grew up and realized there were more options, I lost my mind. Anyone at my first birthday in Vancouver can testify how I completely lost my shit when a drag queen winked at me. So. Much. Arousal. I like androgyny, masculinity and femininity, in all people. People be sexy, yo. I've identified as pansexual for a couple of years now, but I never thought to question my gender. I'm usually pretty comfortable in my female body, and I identify as a feminist (because I'm into equality and I'm painfully aware that our western society is very much a capitalist patriarchy and that to ever be able to reach the stage where we can all be egalitarians, we need a whole lot of feminism first, from everyone), but if I feel the need to strap down my tits and strap on a dick(which sometimes I am wont to do), I shall, and if I don't want to be confined by gender, I shan't. I want to taste every colour of the rainbow. Hence, gender-fluid.
A recent discussion with a friend concerning the need for a "ladies night" brought to light that it would not do for ours to be exclusive to penis-free individuals, because we're an inclusive bunch and anyone that wants to get away from their spouses(or their loneliness), drink wine, watch romantic comedies, paint their nails, talk incessantly, sing, dance and flirt in a safe, consensual, complimentary and gentle manner(which I wish guys weren't stereotypically incapable of) is totally welcome, whether or not they're socially or self identified as females. It's about what we do, not the specific gender of those present, and since we're doing stereotypically "girly" things, I'm okay with keeping the term "Ladies Night". I love having stereotypical "Boy's Nights", too. Drink beer, eat pizza, objectify some strangers and yell at stuff. I'm not into strip clubs for the same reason that I'm not into commercial hetero porn, though. The girls just don't look like they're having that much fun. But I like the other things.
Do you know what I really like? Stereotypically, flamboyantly gay stuff. Glitter, theatre, sexy, sweaty dancing, public bathhouses, anal sex with men, sexy naked camping trips, gay porn. Love it. Unfortunately, I'm not welcome in Gay Land. Not really. This post was actually inspired by a friend of mine joining a Facebook event for a big, sexy, nudist camping trip, exclusively for "gay brothers". I'm not a gay brother. I'll never be a gay brother, which means that I don't get to go, even though that literally sounds like my paradise. It makes me sad every day of my life that I won't ever get to have gay sex with a man. I could (and have) had sex with a gay man, but that's not what I mean. I can have sex with girls, and I can have sex with boys and I can have sex with girls that used to be boys and boys that used to be girls and I can strap on a dick and pretend that I'm a boy having sex with any of the above but I will never, ever be able to actually have man on man sex -sigh-. I realize that I'm lacking the basic anatomy, but to me, it's what's in your heart and mind that counts.
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Nude Nerds Are Neat! (Why You Should Go To Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back)
Last night I got invited to attend the media preview for the Geekender's production of Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back. Omg. A-Mah-Zing. There is literally everything you could ever want in a Star Wars nerdlesque show. Sexy Stormtroopers, a Darth Vader that just cannot wait to take her clothes off, an anatomically correct R2-D2 on rollerskates, awkward incestuous makeouts, 80s movie tributes, obscure quotes, penis jokes, sexual tension, partial nudity and glitter. I laughed until I cried at one point, and during a very sensual, slightly homo-erotic dance number, I confess, I got a bit aroused. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE THE WHOLE SHOW. The super sexy cast is a veritable melting pot of diversity with many different shapes, sizes and genders all coming together and being simply nerdtastic.
If you're one of the hundreds of people who were blown away by Star Wars: A Nude Hope(and if you didn't see it, big mistake) you will be absolutely amazed at this show. It has all of the sexiness and hilarity, but the tighter, more intricate dance numbers really take it one step further and make it something truly out of this world.
Get your tickets soon. You don't want to be one of the sad people showing up at the theatre and being turned away because it is SO sold out. And it will be. There are three dates for this performance at the Rio Theatre. May 1st, 3rd and 4th. I'm going on May 4th, International Star Wars Day. When are you going?
If you're one of the hundreds of people who were blown away by Star Wars: A Nude Hope(and if you didn't see it, big mistake) you will be absolutely amazed at this show. It has all of the sexiness and hilarity, but the tighter, more intricate dance numbers really take it one step further and make it something truly out of this world.
Get your tickets soon. You don't want to be one of the sad people showing up at the theatre and being turned away because it is SO sold out. And it will be. There are three dates for this performance at the Rio Theatre. May 1st, 3rd and 4th. I'm going on May 4th, International Star Wars Day. When are you going?
Saturday, 5 April 2014
Misadventures in Seattle (People Are Strange)
People are strange, when you're a stranger.
As you know, I'm in Seattle right now. All by myself, staying at a hostel. Trying to meet people, find stuff to do. I like to drink and dance. I'm friendly, and I like friendly people. The first night, I go on a pub crawl with the hostel. Do some dancing, excessive drinking, make out with a nice Southern boy on the dance floor(perfect gentleman, lousy kisser) and there's this guy from the hostel like, shadowing me the whole time. At first I think he's just being kind, me being drunk and alone and such. But he's just STANDING there on the dance floor next to us. Eventually I take off to walk back to the hostel and the guy(from the hostel, not the Southern boy) accompanies me which I'm grateful for because I'm drunk and it's late. On the way we're talking, I mention something about my boyfriend and he gets all indignant like "What, you have a boyfriend? I just saw you making out with some dude" So I explain the fact that I'm in a poly relationship and that it's fully okay under our agreement and he invites me to a "poly meetup" the next night and then says, "We should make out" I say no, no excuses, just "No, thank you, I'm not sexually attracted to you" and he whiiiiines and whiiines and eventually says "Can't you just make out with me as like, a favour?" Ew. Obviously not. I ask for more information on the poly meetup and he kind of balks and seems like he's withholding so I say, let me know where, when, and what it's about and I'll decide tomorrow, and I go to bed.
Next day I am just grossly hungover, so I wander around, eat food, go to the bathhouse(which was lovely and relaxing), eat some more food, have some drinks and I'm starting to feel better so I head back to the hostel, and the guy from the night before has provided me with exactly this information on the meetup he invited me to: "The place is about a 25 minute bus ride from the hostel, we should leave around 10" so I do a bit of selective googling, and find what he's talking about. It is a CSPC (Center for Sex Positive Culture) meetup from 7-10:30, and then it's a sex party. I'm down for sex parties, but I'm not down for surprise sex parties (although with the right people...). He didn't even want to go for the meetup portion and THEN the sex party, he was arranging our arrival to coincide only with the sex party. So I'm totally squicked out and pissed off and obviously not going.
At the hostel I meet some people from home, down for the weekend, same as me, but with actual friends and plans and stuff. They invite me along. The plan is to meet up at a friend's place, have some drinks and then head to a dancey dance bar where they're on the guest list. I accept, because I want to dance and I don't know where to go. We get to the friend's place. There's three people there, a girl from Van(the connection), her boyfriend who owns the place, and his friend. The girl is super chill, very nice, so's the friend. But, the guy that owns the place? Kind of a dick. I realize that I'm a total stranger, and I'm in his apartment. I get it, I'm particular about whom I allow in my space, too. But, It's me. I'm like, the least threatening person you could ever have in your apartment. Five minutes of conversation could establish that. But this guy didn't even bother. Just told me not to touch his stuff because he didn't know me, that he didn't understand why I was even there. Hostile, yo. Even the nice girlfriend is like, "Hey, don't let him be mean to you". Red flag, much?
Anyway, we go to the club. We were supposed to be there by 11:00 for the guest list, but we show up around 11:15 so I'm thinking we've missed it. I'm in the regular line up, showing ID, getting ready to pay cover, whatevs, I just want to dance, I literally give zero fucks past that, but Buddy's all "No, no, I'm getting bottle service, we get to go in this door, no cover, no worries" So I'm thinking, alright, Buddy here's a fucking baller, he wants to include me in this extravagant night? Awesome. We go in. Dancey dance, hip hop bar. Super into it. We have a fancy ass table, pretty waitresses pouring drinks for us, good times. Guy from the apartment earlier still being kind of a dick, and like, I'm pretty drunk by this point, and I say to his girlfriend, "Hey, your boyfriend's kind of a dick" (In retrospect, and honestly, even as I was saying it I knew it wasn't going to go over well) and I can tell that she knows it's true but she says "Since you're just hanging out for free, maybe you shouldn't say shit like that". Did you know that if people offer you things and you accept, you are immediately thereafter denied an opinion? I didn't. And I'm not down with that, so as soon as this girl says this to me, I search out Mr. Buddy Baller and ask him how much money I can give him to abscond this weird debt I feel I've got now. Because that's not okay, I'm not about to give up my opinion for some free booze.
I guess everyone ends up getting kicked out (not me, because as I mentioned, I'm lovely)but all I know is that all of the sudden, they're gone. I think I've been ditched. Like, I'm not that worried, I'm drunk and dancing and the hostel's only a few blocks away. I dance a bit longer and head back to blog, I've had red bull, alcohol and experiences and I am ready to get into the zone. I get on the computer, start typing shit out and the same fucking guy shows up and asks if he can sit with me. I say "I'm writing right now. You can sit there, but I don't want to talk and I can't write when people read over my shoulder." He sits down anyway, of course. I keep writing, he's talking a bit, but I'm in the zone and liking him less and less with every minute he forces his company on me. These two girls that are staying at the hostel(early twenties, attractive, straight, from Georgia I think) come over to talk to me, we're sort of tentative dancey friends and they want to talk about their night so they come sit, and a group of guys joins us. Everyone's getting along great, drunk, chatting. But this fucking guy is just pissing me off, and he says something about me not going with him to the thing and I give him shit for not telling me it was a sex party, and it's clear in his response that he knew and was very intentionally keeping it from me. Sleazy fuck. I've drifted over to the girls and I'm standing behind one, just stroking her hair and being friendly, flirty and touchy-feely (y'all know how I do). She's curious as to what goes on at a sex party, exactly, and instead of taking the opportunity to to help her learn some stuff this fucking guy starts being a condescending prick. Says "Oh you're so pure, you'll probably end up marrying an accountant or something" and I'm like, "Wtf? Why would that mean anything? Accountant's have sex lives too, our society's just sexually repressed." and he was like "Yeah, and she'd probably just repress her accountant husband even further." I am getting rage face at this point and I say "Just because she's not super sexually enlightened does NOT mean that you get to be a fucking asshole to her, stop it." SO NATURALLY IT'S BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO FUCK HER. That's the only possible reason for sticking up for her that this guy can fathom, and what he accuses me of. No, actually, I don't have to pretend to be a decent human being in order to lure unsuspecting women into bed. I am not a fucking predator and women are not prey. Every woman that comes to bed with me is informed, in decent control of their faculties and enthusiastically dtf. Not to mention that the girl is clearly straight. And like, I know better than most(Sup, ladies?) that just because you're straight, doesn't mean you aren't into hooking up with me(fluid female sexuality ftw) but in no way am I trying to or even considering trying to get this girl into bed. Like, I'd be down, she's super cool and sexy and smells good, but I'm just being friendly and reveling in some non threatening physical contact.
But this fucking guy says that the only reason I'm sticking up for her is because I'm trying to trick her into bed. So I'm like fuck this guy, I'm going to bed. Everyone, good night, be safe. See you tomorrow. I make it up to my room and realize I need to drink at least six glasses of water before I can sleep so I come back down. On my way back up, there's the girl I was "trying to sleep with" in the middle of a very flirty conversation with one of the guys from earlier so I offer them some condoms because, well, that's just how I roll.
As you know, I'm in Seattle right now. All by myself, staying at a hostel. Trying to meet people, find stuff to do. I like to drink and dance. I'm friendly, and I like friendly people. The first night, I go on a pub crawl with the hostel. Do some dancing, excessive drinking, make out with a nice Southern boy on the dance floor(perfect gentleman, lousy kisser) and there's this guy from the hostel like, shadowing me the whole time. At first I think he's just being kind, me being drunk and alone and such. But he's just STANDING there on the dance floor next to us. Eventually I take off to walk back to the hostel and the guy(from the hostel, not the Southern boy) accompanies me which I'm grateful for because I'm drunk and it's late. On the way we're talking, I mention something about my boyfriend and he gets all indignant like "What, you have a boyfriend? I just saw you making out with some dude" So I explain the fact that I'm in a poly relationship and that it's fully okay under our agreement and he invites me to a "poly meetup" the next night and then says, "We should make out" I say no, no excuses, just "No, thank you, I'm not sexually attracted to you" and he whiiiiines and whiiines and eventually says "Can't you just make out with me as like, a favour?" Ew. Obviously not. I ask for more information on the poly meetup and he kind of balks and seems like he's withholding so I say, let me know where, when, and what it's about and I'll decide tomorrow, and I go to bed.
Next day I am just grossly hungover, so I wander around, eat food, go to the bathhouse(which was lovely and relaxing), eat some more food, have some drinks and I'm starting to feel better so I head back to the hostel, and the guy from the night before has provided me with exactly this information on the meetup he invited me to: "The place is about a 25 minute bus ride from the hostel, we should leave around 10" so I do a bit of selective googling, and find what he's talking about. It is a CSPC (Center for Sex Positive Culture) meetup from 7-10:30, and then it's a sex party. I'm down for sex parties, but I'm not down for surprise sex parties (although with the right people...). He didn't even want to go for the meetup portion and THEN the sex party, he was arranging our arrival to coincide only with the sex party. So I'm totally squicked out and pissed off and obviously not going.
At the hostel I meet some people from home, down for the weekend, same as me, but with actual friends and plans and stuff. They invite me along. The plan is to meet up at a friend's place, have some drinks and then head to a dancey dance bar where they're on the guest list. I accept, because I want to dance and I don't know where to go. We get to the friend's place. There's three people there, a girl from Van(the connection), her boyfriend who owns the place, and his friend. The girl is super chill, very nice, so's the friend. But, the guy that owns the place? Kind of a dick. I realize that I'm a total stranger, and I'm in his apartment. I get it, I'm particular about whom I allow in my space, too. But, It's me. I'm like, the least threatening person you could ever have in your apartment. Five minutes of conversation could establish that. But this guy didn't even bother. Just told me not to touch his stuff because he didn't know me, that he didn't understand why I was even there. Hostile, yo. Even the nice girlfriend is like, "Hey, don't let him be mean to you". Red flag, much?
Anyway, we go to the club. We were supposed to be there by 11:00 for the guest list, but we show up around 11:15 so I'm thinking we've missed it. I'm in the regular line up, showing ID, getting ready to pay cover, whatevs, I just want to dance, I literally give zero fucks past that, but Buddy's all "No, no, I'm getting bottle service, we get to go in this door, no cover, no worries" So I'm thinking, alright, Buddy here's a fucking baller, he wants to include me in this extravagant night? Awesome. We go in. Dancey dance, hip hop bar. Super into it. We have a fancy ass table, pretty waitresses pouring drinks for us, good times. Guy from the apartment earlier still being kind of a dick, and like, I'm pretty drunk by this point, and I say to his girlfriend, "Hey, your boyfriend's kind of a dick" (In retrospect, and honestly, even as I was saying it I knew it wasn't going to go over well) and I can tell that she knows it's true but she says "Since you're just hanging out for free, maybe you shouldn't say shit like that". Did you know that if people offer you things and you accept, you are immediately thereafter denied an opinion? I didn't. And I'm not down with that, so as soon as this girl says this to me, I search out Mr. Buddy Baller and ask him how much money I can give him to abscond this weird debt I feel I've got now. Because that's not okay, I'm not about to give up my opinion for some free booze.
I guess everyone ends up getting kicked out (not me, because as I mentioned, I'm lovely)but all I know is that all of the sudden, they're gone. I think I've been ditched. Like, I'm not that worried, I'm drunk and dancing and the hostel's only a few blocks away. I dance a bit longer and head back to blog, I've had red bull, alcohol and experiences and I am ready to get into the zone. I get on the computer, start typing shit out and the same fucking guy shows up and asks if he can sit with me. I say "I'm writing right now. You can sit there, but I don't want to talk and I can't write when people read over my shoulder." He sits down anyway, of course. I keep writing, he's talking a bit, but I'm in the zone and liking him less and less with every minute he forces his company on me. These two girls that are staying at the hostel(early twenties, attractive, straight, from Georgia I think) come over to talk to me, we're sort of tentative dancey friends and they want to talk about their night so they come sit, and a group of guys joins us. Everyone's getting along great, drunk, chatting. But this fucking guy is just pissing me off, and he says something about me not going with him to the thing and I give him shit for not telling me it was a sex party, and it's clear in his response that he knew and was very intentionally keeping it from me. Sleazy fuck. I've drifted over to the girls and I'm standing behind one, just stroking her hair and being friendly, flirty and touchy-feely (y'all know how I do). She's curious as to what goes on at a sex party, exactly, and instead of taking the opportunity to to help her learn some stuff this fucking guy starts being a condescending prick. Says "Oh you're so pure, you'll probably end up marrying an accountant or something" and I'm like, "Wtf? Why would that mean anything? Accountant's have sex lives too, our society's just sexually repressed." and he was like "Yeah, and she'd probably just repress her accountant husband even further." I am getting rage face at this point and I say "Just because she's not super sexually enlightened does NOT mean that you get to be a fucking asshole to her, stop it." SO NATURALLY IT'S BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO FUCK HER. That's the only possible reason for sticking up for her that this guy can fathom, and what he accuses me of. No, actually, I don't have to pretend to be a decent human being in order to lure unsuspecting women into bed. I am not a fucking predator and women are not prey. Every woman that comes to bed with me is informed, in decent control of their faculties and enthusiastically dtf. Not to mention that the girl is clearly straight. And like, I know better than most(Sup, ladies?) that just because you're straight, doesn't mean you aren't into hooking up with me(fluid female sexuality ftw) but in no way am I trying to or even considering trying to get this girl into bed. Like, I'd be down, she's super cool and sexy and smells good, but I'm just being friendly and reveling in some non threatening physical contact.
But this fucking guy says that the only reason I'm sticking up for her is because I'm trying to trick her into bed. So I'm like fuck this guy, I'm going to bed. Everyone, good night, be safe. See you tomorrow. I make it up to my room and realize I need to drink at least six glasses of water before I can sleep so I come back down. On my way back up, there's the girl I was "trying to sleep with" in the middle of a very flirty conversation with one of the guys from earlier so I offer them some condoms because, well, that's just how I roll.
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