Trying to Find Solace in a Meaningless Existence (Wide Awake at 3am, Again)

I'm a pretty nihilistic person, but I can usually get by on the mantra of "Nothing matters, and that's okay". I can still connect, and love, and live. Except when I can't. How do you make friends when you can't shake the feeling that you're worthless, that there's no point to anything? How can I connect with people that have something as unfathomable to me as hope, people that believe in something other than the depths of human cruelty? How do I love knowing it's for nothing? How do I live?

I used to find solace in my writing; I would drunkenly spill everything out, candid and content. But a blog isn't a diary, and shit got real. I can't just put my life on the internet when I have secrets that don't belong to me, and a story that isn't all my own. Which has resulted in my abandonment of something I used to do once a week.

 I also try to resist telling the ether about my depressive states, because I honestly cannot handle the outpouring of "love" and "support" that happens in the abstract, internet way that exists now. You can't tell me that it will be okay, that I'm awesome and lovely, etc. You don't fucking know me. I'm frequently not awesome. If you don't know how I can lash out and be downright cruel, just because it's raining today, or how I can be a broken mess for days because I had another bad dream, you can't love me. You don't know me. I don't want to know that my cheap facade, my public face, my fucking Facebook profile, is lovable.

 How do I reconcile my nihilism with my empathy? I know that nothing matters, but that doesn't stop me from feeling. I'm frequently afraid, and always suspicious, but I'm desperate to believe in something. 

Polyamory and Me! (Why I Slut the Way I Slut)

Sometimes people ask me why being polyamorous is important to me, why I want it, IF I really do want it. Sometimes it's me, asking myself, usually while I'm hyperventilating in the fetal position. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. The truth though? I don't really feel like I have a choice. It's an integral part of my sexuality, an integral part of me.

When I started "seriously dating" (read: dating and fucking) at the tender age of 14, I always made an agreement with my boyfriends that as they were not girls, and I was very much attracted to girls, I would still be intimate with girls, literally whenever I had a chance. They were usually okay with this. Without fail, though, there would always come a time that there would be a boy that I would want, and as that was unheard of unless you were either the worst kind of slut, or one of the weird goth kids that all sexed each other on a regular basis (In hindsight I was probably in the wrong friend group), I didn't know how to ask for it. It was simply not done. So I would end my relationships, (or I would cheat, which usually meant ending my relationships anyway, as I feel guilt very strongly) which was sometimes what I wanted anyway, but more than once was just my lust for variety, and had nothing to do with my feelings toward my partner.

Around the time I was 18, I learned about ethical non monogamy, and I was like "Yes. That. So much that". Unfortunately, I soon learned that a goodly portion of people that agreed to an open relationship had a very poor concept of ethics, and just wanted to fuck everyone with a blatant disregard for the feelings of anyone, and used the term "open relationship" as a shield, as an excuse, or as a way to explain away their long term partner that they forget to mention ("Don't ask, don't tell" is now a huge red flag, and I am adamant to the point of obsession about meeting my partner's partners and having them meet mine).

The nice boys that I knew that wanted to date me wanted monogamy, and after all the douchebags with the lying and the cheating, I really just wanted a loving commitment with someone I could trust. Maybe this would be different, maybe this time I could be monogamous. Maybe they were different.  Maybe we could be enough for each other. Maybe I wouldn't get resentful when they couldn't meet all of my needs or when I couldn't, or no longer wanted to meet all of theirs.

Nope. Absolutely not a thing. What it comes down to is that I have lots of needs, and I've never found ANYONE that can meet all of them. Because that person doesn't exist, and monogamy doesn't guarantee you a loving, committed relationship with someone you can trust.

Being polyamorous is a part of me. I've had to unlearn so many stupid ideas of what constitutes real love, what it's okay for me to ask for, what is not okay to put up with. What I want, what I need. What I can handle. Sometimes it's really fucking hard. Sometimes you feel like you're going to die because you feel so awful. But isn't that always the risk you take when you open yourself up to love? More love might mean more pain, but it's still more love. And love is beautiful, and so fucking worth it.

All the Issues.

I have issues. Codependency, abandonment, control, insecurity, self worth, issues. I come by them honestly.  I was never taught how to really love, myself or anyone else. I was taught abuse, in so many forms. I was taught that if you loved something, you controlled it. If the thing you love cannot be controlled, you run. You either physically pick up and take the fuck off, or you metaphorically run away with substance abuse or emotional affairs. This has obviously not taught me to be a healthy, functional adult, especially in romantic relationships. I have a filter that tells me that no one will like me if I say what I think and act how I feel, that there will always be someone better and lovelier and more worthy of being wanted, because they're just, more than I am. I don't know how to(or have any desire to be) anyone other than myself though, so that ends up with a lot of me just, not saying anything, and watching the better, lovelier, mores of the world take over my desired spaces, which I secede, because I feel I'm undeserving anyway, and we may as well get it over with. I will not fight for things I want, because I am too afraid to lose. Rejection is basically an affirmation of everything I feel about myself.

How then, to learn to love myself? I know how to be independent in the basic ways, I can support myself financially, I enjoy my own company, etc. I know it's okay to ask people for help, to have a support system of friends, but it just always feels wrong. I'm either too candid and get myself in trouble, or I'm not honest and it doesn't help anyway. Where's the balance? How do I not overwhelm people with all of my bullshit? People have their own lives, and I'm not really worth the time. All I ever do is feel feelings, and I'm good to talk to, but my problems are so fucking stupid.

Five Years in Vancouver(What Now?)

A few days ago was my five year anniversary of being a bonafide Vancouver resident. I gotta tell you, it's been a great and crazy five years. I've met so many people that are just super, and some that really just sucked. I've loved, learned and lost. I've been semi homeless, gotten my father arrested, performed in a burlesque show, done MDMA, mushrooms and even tried cocaine once (yucky). I've been drugged at a bar, swam naked in the ocean, adopted a cat, racked up thousands of dollars in credit card debt and sold my panties to a stranger. I've had to deal with the grief of people dying, I've gotten tattoos. I've been to a crazy amount of concerts and shows, met celebrities and had just, so much sex. I've been a vegetarian, and gone gluten-free. The greatest people I've ever known I've met here. I've dated, become a feminist, had an eating disorder and found my self respect.

And I've decided that maybe the city isn't for me.
It's loud and expensive. People are shallow and selfish. It takes forever to do anything. I work all of the time, but I never have any money. I have to live with strangers, which means I never really feel comfortable in my own home. I'm sick of having to have headphones in to be able to think. I miss being able to go for a walk in the woods, being able to walk everywhere. I'm just unhappy. I guess my heart is just more small town than I thought.

The answer seems clear to me. Move. But it gets harder when I realize that if I go, I'm going alone. Again. I'd lose my partner. He's not interested in just picking up and moving away. And I mean, if I'm just sitting in my new, lovely apartment, in lovely, rural BC downing wine and crying, holding my cat until he squawks and runs away because I'm so fucking alone, that's not really an improvement. Although I'd able to afford more wine. I'll have so much free time I could probably just make the damn wine, since I'll be so fucking alone. It would get better though. I'd make friends, I'm friendly. I've got vibrators, I'd get off- I mean by. I'd get by. Whereas I feel that Vancouver has just, plateaued. I'm too drained and broke to do any of the fun things, I hate my apartment but can't afford to move into something better. I don't know what to do.

Super Sick of this Patriarchy (Why I'm a Feminist)

I actually dislike having to call myself a feminist because I am SUPER into gender equality, I hate that I have to specify between men and women and not just people. I don't like pronouns and gender normativity. Unfortunately, with this topic, that's unrealistic. When we stop living in a patriarchy, I'll stop calling myself a feminist.

I'm in a pretty rough place right now. All this misogyny, all this hatred and pain, this outspoken ignorance, it's tearing me up, and it's making me angry. Really fucking angry. For every great article I read about feminism, rape culture and furthering our society to a place that we can all live without fear of violence, there's a thousand assholes posting stuff like "You're just saying this because you gave a guy head and he didn't love you" and "Yeah, but if you just didn't wear skirts, you wouldn't get raped as often" and it's making me fucking sick. The Slutwalk Rally Facebook page is just crowded with awful, and the people that want respect and equality, we're told to just shrug it off, be the bigger person. On the fucking page that belongs to us, and our event. So I wrote this, even though it's more of the same thing that everyone has been posting, because I need to. Or I'm going to explode.

 I was trying to discuss with my brother that misogyny is why I was in a horrible mood yesterday and my loving, caring, awesome brother says to me, with so much scorn and disdain in his voice"So are you like, a feminist now? You know that women abuse men, too. Not all men are like that." And I just stood up and walked out of the room so I could go and cry in the shower. This man that I've known my whole life, that I have helped teach to respect and love women, is giving me shit for being a feminist. He's a "Not All Men" man. Oh, how my heart did break. I know that it's not all men. It's just, not the point. Automatically going on the defensive is taking away from the issues. Saying that not all men rape doesn't change the fact that most women have been raped and that all women have suffered because of our bullshit patriarchal society. I love men. I love people. WHAT I DON'T LOVE IS VIOLENCE. I don't love that I have to be afraid to walk through the park by my house at night. I don't love that my first experiences with sex were me being abused and used, I hate that I thought that that is all I deserved. I hate the heartbreaking #YesAllWomen posts that have been crowding my news feed, not because I don't want to see them, but because every single woman has experienced this bullshit, and no, it hasn't been at the hands of every single man we've met in our lives, but that ISN'T THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that we're scared and we don't want to have to be scared anymore.

Anti-Feminists like to post stuff about how women rape men, too. Do you know why women rape men now, too? Because we're all growing up in this same bullshit rape culture, we're taught that we can take what we want from others without their consent, through coercion or if they're vulnerable or not following "the rules". And that is what is NOT okay. Do you imagine that female rapists identify as feminists? That they're into gender equality and consent? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no. Every group has crazy extremists, obviously, but for the most part, all of the feminists I know are just into safety, consent, respect and equality.
I don't want to overthrow the patriarchy to replace it with a matriarchy, I just don't want a gender-based hierarchy at all.

The Problem With Pronouns (I Just Want To Be A Drag Queen)

Quick caveat: I use the word "stereotypically" a lot in this post. Stereotypical is not synonymous with normal, nor is it meant to be all inclusive. Just because you're in the specified group, doesn't mean I think you do the specified thing. I don't think anyone is better/worse/more normal whether or not they fit into their stereotypical groups. We're all special fucking snowflakes. I think that applying stereotypes to individuals based on anything is wrong, but if the average majority of any specific group happens to do something more than the average majority of a different group, they are more stereotypically into that thing. That's all. Just averages. Don't get your panties in a twist, and don't think that just because I say "panties" that I mean they're on a woman. 

I decided (today) to start identifying as "Gender-fluid". I have chosen this orientation after extensive research and soul searching and to correspond with my pansexuality. I have oft wished that my gender was as fluid as my sexuality, which, as many of you know, is pretty fucking fluid(in more ways than one. Hey-o. Female ejaculation joke. You're welcome). I am attracted to basically everyone. I was attracted to boys and girls as a child and when I grew up and realized there were more options, I lost my mind. Anyone at my first birthday in Vancouver can testify how I completely lost my shit when a drag queen winked at me. So. Much. Arousal. I like androgyny, masculinity and femininity, in all people. People be sexy, yo. I've identified as pansexual for a couple of years now, but I never thought to question my gender. I'm usually pretty comfortable in my female body, and I identify as a feminist (because I'm into equality and I'm painfully aware that our western society is very much a capitalist patriarchy and that to ever be able to reach the stage where we can all be egalitarians, we need a whole lot of feminism first, from everyone), but if I feel the need to strap down my tits and strap on a dick(which sometimes I am wont to do), I shall, and if I don't want to be confined by gender, I shan't. I want to taste every colour of the rainbow. Hence, gender-fluid. 

 A recent discussion with a friend concerning the need for a "ladies night" brought to light that it would not do for ours to be exclusive to penis-free individuals, because we're an inclusive bunch and anyone that wants to get away from their spouses(or their loneliness), drink wine, watch romantic comedies, paint their nails, talk incessantly, sing, dance and flirt in a safe, consensual, complimentary and gentle manner(which I wish guys weren't stereotypically incapable of) is totally welcome, whether or not they're socially or self identified as females. It's about what we do, not the specific gender of those present, and since we're doing stereotypically "girly" things, I'm okay with keeping the term "Ladies Night". I love having stereotypical "Boy's Nights", too. Drink beer, eat pizza, objectify some strangers and yell at stuff. I'm not into strip clubs for the same reason that I'm not into commercial hetero porn, though. The girls just don't look like they're having that much fun. But I like the other things.  

Do you know what I really like? Stereotypically, flamboyantly gay stuff. Glitter, theatre, sexy, sweaty dancing, public bathhouses, anal sex with men, sexy naked camping trips, gay porn. Love it. Unfortunately, I'm not welcome in Gay Land. Not really. This post was actually inspired by a friend of mine joining a Facebook event for a  big, sexy, nudist camping trip, exclusively for "gay brothers". I'm not a gay brother. I'll never be a gay brother, which means that I don't get to go, even though that literally sounds like my paradise. It makes me sad every day of my life that I won't ever get to have gay sex with a man. I could (and have) had sex with a gay man, but that's not what I mean. I can have sex with girls, and I can have sex with boys and I can have sex with girls that used to be boys and boys that used to be girls and I can strap on a dick and pretend that I'm a boy having sex with any of the above but I will never, ever be able to actually have man on man sex -sigh-. I realize that I'm lacking the basic anatomy, but to me, it's what's in your heart and mind that counts.  

Nude Nerds Are Neat! (Why You Should Go To Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back)

Last night I got invited to attend the media preview for the Geekender's production of Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back. Omg. A-Mah-Zing. There is literally everything you could ever want in a Star Wars nerdlesque show. Sexy Stormtroopers, a Darth Vader that just cannot wait to take her clothes off, an anatomically correct R2-D2 on rollerskates, awkward incestuous makeouts, 80s movie tributes, obscure quotes, penis jokes, sexual tension, partial nudity and glitter.  I laughed until I cried at one point, and during a very sensual, slightly homo-erotic dance number, I confess, I got a bit aroused. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE THE WHOLE SHOW. The super sexy cast is a veritable melting pot of diversity with many different shapes, sizes and genders all coming together and being simply nerdtastic.

If you're one of the hundreds of people who were blown away by Star Wars: A Nude Hope(and if you didn't see it, big mistake) you will be absolutely amazed at this show. It has all of the sexiness and hilarity, but the tighter, more intricate dance numbers really take it one step further and make it something truly out of this world.

Get your tickets soon. You don't want to be one of the sad people showing up at the theatre and being turned away because it is SO sold out. And it will be. There are three dates for this performance at the Rio Theatre. May 1st, 3rd and 4th. I'm going on May 4th, International Star Wars Day. When are you going?