New Year, New Eating Disorder

So it's January 6th, and the "New Year, New Me" posts are about winding down now. I don't make New Years resolutions anymore. If I want to change something now, I just change it. Setting goals just because the last number of the date changed seems doomed to fail. Everyone's all, travel this, change that. And by February it's forgotten.(Maybe next year!) The number one NY resolution is to lose weight.

 I used to have an eating disorder. Not that our society calls it an eating disorder if you actually have some weight to lose. Fat girls are just "getting healthy". Even if it's in the unhealthiest way possible.
You know what the easiest way to lose weight is?

• Coffee(Hunger suppressant AND laxative)
• Diet Pills(More of the same^)
• Vitamins(Avoids unhealthy pallor and your body won't realize it's starving as quickly) 
• Cigarettes(Again, hunger suppressant)
• 2-3 litres of water(Drink whenever your stomach feels like it's eating itself) 
• Work out every day. Hard.
• Don't eat(Unless you feel like you're going to pass out, then have some celery, an egg or a bit of white rice)

Does that sound like "getting healthy" to you? Nope. But you will drop 20 lbs in less than a month. And when society, a BMI chart and a scale tells you that you're thirty pounds overweight, you have to hate your body and starve yourself. Even if you were actually pretty comfortable in your skin, even if you had no shortage of people wanting to get all up in that extra weight, even if you're already HEALTHY. "Don't you worry about your long term health?"

Fuck that, and fuck you.
I do worry about my long term health, and thanks to my lovely eating disorder that used to kick up every time I got to 180 lbs, my long term health is now in question. I have so many stomach problems. You just can't take tons of pills, not eat, and work out all the time. Your body will eventually rebel. So now I have a number of food sensitivities, and acid reflux. I can't take ANY pills without feeling queasy at best, curled up in agony at worst. So I try and eat well, and get enough exercise, only take medication that I need, go easy on caffeine, etc, etc.

But it still creeps in. I'll put on weight and think horrible things about myself, and about the way my body looks, and my brain will ominously whisper "We know how to deal with this, we've done it before"  And I know it would be so easy, what's a little excruciating pain when it comes to beauty and acceptance? But no, not anymore. Now, I just ask myself, "Hey, Sara. What are you doing that's making you feel less than super awesome and totally sexy?"  If I'm eating too many snacks, I eat fewer snacks. If I'm not getting enough exercise, I do some fucking exercise. If I'm not having enough orgasms, I masturbate more. (There is nothing better for your self esteem than orgasms, in my opinion. But using others to build up your self esteem is cruel and manipulative. So masturbation, not casual sex. Not that I'm against casual sex. I just don't support it for reasons other than sexual arousal and attraction.) If there are people around me that judge me by my weight? To the best of my ability, they're not around me anymore.

I'm working on loving myself, and not because it's a New Year. Because it's one year of many that I have left, and I want to love myself for all of them.