Remembering Rainbows

So I've been on the verge of a bit of a nervous breakdown lately. Just stressy stress stress. I hated my job a lot so I quit. But then I was super stressed because I didn't have a job, so I said I'd stay on two days a week, and then THAT stressed me out because I fucking hate it there, and THAT created some weird tension in my neck and shoulders which gave me sharp blinding pains in my head, which brought me to the doctor who gave me some anti-inflammatory meds which make me all woozy and hurt my tummy. Literally making myself sick with anxiety. And everyone wants to be a good friend and be supportive and it's just overwhelming because I can't fucking handle so many people caring about me at the same time. Everyone's got advice and love and I know it's supposed to help but it just, doesn't. It's just more expectations, and demands on my time. Pressure. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I can't fucking handle it. Everyone wants to be there for me and if I don't let them do that, I end up feeling like a bad friend for not letting them comfort me. So THAT ends up stressing me out. So, basically, I'm pretty fucking stressed out.

So next week, I'm running away. I've decided to be slightly irresponsible(since as aforementioned, I do not have much of a job or savings) and take a little three day trip to Seattle. Just me and some books. Chill out. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Take some Sara time. Away from everything. Immerse myself in strangers, cheap booze and an abundance of Mexican food. God I love Mexican food. And I'm doing it for super cheap. 29 dollars for a round trip on the Bolt Bus and 105 for three nights at The Green Tortoise Hostel, which is apparently a super sweet place to stay and that 105 includes 3 breakfasts and a dinner. 135 dollars for travel, lodgings and 4 meals? Fuck yeah. And Seattle has a fucking bathhouse that I can actually go in! Stupid not being a gay man keeping me out of all the damn bathhouses in Vancouver. All I want is to be naked and warm, preferably in a semi public setting (cause I'm an exhibitionist like that) surrounded by other naked people (cause I'm voyeuristic like that). Anyway, stoked. From Thursday to Sunday, I will be out of the fucking country.

Hopefully I'll come back with some faith in myself.
Because I know that's the real problem. This deep seated belief in my own unworthiness is why I can't handle all the amazing love and support, why I'm nervous and anxious about the unknown. Because what if everything doesn't work out? What if everyone really doesn't like me, and no one will hire me?

I know that it's not true, that I'm amazing and awesome and genuine and when I'm happy everything is rainbows.
I know that. I just need to hang out with myself for awhile, so I can believe it. I need some time to remember rainbows.