That's what I'm afraid of. I'm in an actual, real life, happy relationship of over a year. And I am terrified, ladies and gentleman. Absolutely terrified. I'll tell you why.
I know how easy it is to think you're safe. To think that your partner loves you more than anything, because he tells you so. You don't mind when he stays out late, because you believe him when he says he's with friends, because you trust him. He gives you lots of space, and encourages you to pursue your passions. You're happy.
And I know that it can all be a lie. I know that he can have another girl arrive fifteen strategic minutes after you leave for work. Those nights out late, he's with her. Borrowing your car to run some errands? He's fucking her in the backseat. Texting his dad? No. He's telling her how important she is to him, that you don't actually mean that much, that it's just a relationship of convenience, it's for the kids, or that he doesn't know how to break it to you. And when it's just sex, he says that as long as you don't find out, what's the harm? He's giving her parts of himself that you don't see anymore, or maybe that you've never seen. He's someone else with her. A person you don't know at all. And he lies to your face. Maybe she does too, because maybe you're friends, and she doesn't know what else she can do. She has to choose, and she's choosing him, and he's telling her that if she wants him, she has to lie, too.
And I know these things, because I'm her. I'm the girl your boyfriend fucks. Or I used to be, anyway. And I'm terrified to become you now. It eats at me constantly, is he lying, who's actually texting him, what are they saying? Why isn't he answering his phone? It's made me crazy. And I've done everything possible to prevent this. Polyamory seems a good solution, if he wants to fuck someone else, he can just tell me, and I can know, and we can work through all of the absolutely awful feelings that come with that. But at least he's not lying, at least it's not pretend, and I don't have to eventually find out and be absolutely shattered.
But I'm still completely paranoid, because I think that it's only fair. That it's what I deserve. Because I've been the other woman SO MANY TIMES, and as awful as it was, because of course I was lied to, too, I can only imagine and empathize(agonize) with how devastating it is to have your pretty little bubble pop and turn into shrapnel to pierce your heart and leave you damaged forever.
And I'm sorry. I'm really, genuinely sorry to anyone I've hurt in this way.
