Trying to Find Solace in a Meaningless Existence (Wide Awake at 3am, Again)

I'm a pretty nihilistic person, but I can usually get by on the mantra of "Nothing matters, and that's okay". I can still connect, and love, and live. Except when I can't. How do you make friends when you can't shake the feeling that you're worthless, that there's no point to anything? How can I connect with people that have something as unfathomable to me as hope, people that believe in something other than the depths of human cruelty? How do I love knowing it's for nothing? How do I live?

I used to find solace in my writing; I would drunkenly spill everything out, candid and content. But a blog isn't a diary, and shit got real. I can't just put my life on the internet when I have secrets that don't belong to me, and a story that isn't all my own. Which has resulted in my abandonment of something I used to do once a week.

 I also try to resist telling the ether about my depressive states, because I honestly cannot handle the outpouring of "love" and "support" that happens in the abstract, internet way that exists now. You can't tell me that it will be okay, that I'm awesome and lovely, etc. You don't fucking know me. I'm frequently not awesome. If you don't know how I can lash out and be downright cruel, just because it's raining today, or how I can be a broken mess for days because I had another bad dream, you can't love me. You don't know me. I don't want to know that my cheap facade, my public face, my fucking Facebook profile, is lovable.

 How do I reconcile my nihilism with my empathy? I know that nothing matters, but that doesn't stop me from feeling. I'm frequently afraid, and always suspicious, but I'm desperate to believe in something. 

Polyamory and Me! (Why I Slut the Way I Slut)

Sometimes people ask me why being polyamorous is important to me, why I want it, IF I really do want it. Sometimes it's me, asking myself, usually while I'm hyperventilating in the fetal position. It's not always easy, and it's not always fun. The truth though? I don't really feel like I have a choice. It's an integral part of my sexuality, an integral part of me.

When I started "seriously dating" (read: dating and fucking) at the tender age of 14, I always made an agreement with my boyfriends that as they were not girls, and I was very much attracted to girls, I would still be intimate with girls, literally whenever I had a chance. They were usually okay with this. Without fail, though, there would always come a time that there would be a boy that I would want, and as that was unheard of unless you were either the worst kind of slut, or one of the weird goth kids that all sexed each other on a regular basis (In hindsight I was probably in the wrong friend group), I didn't know how to ask for it. It was simply not done. So I would end my relationships, (or I would cheat, which usually meant ending my relationships anyway, as I feel guilt very strongly) which was sometimes what I wanted anyway, but more than once was just my lust for variety, and had nothing to do with my feelings toward my partner.

Around the time I was 18, I learned about ethical non monogamy, and I was like "Yes. That. So much that". Unfortunately, I soon learned that a goodly portion of people that agreed to an open relationship had a very poor concept of ethics, and just wanted to fuck everyone with a blatant disregard for the feelings of anyone, and used the term "open relationship" as a shield, as an excuse, or as a way to explain away their long term partner that they forget to mention ("Don't ask, don't tell" is now a huge red flag, and I am adamant to the point of obsession about meeting my partner's partners and having them meet mine).

The nice boys that I knew that wanted to date me wanted monogamy, and after all the douchebags with the lying and the cheating, I really just wanted a loving commitment with someone I could trust. Maybe this would be different, maybe this time I could be monogamous. Maybe they were different.  Maybe we could be enough for each other. Maybe I wouldn't get resentful when they couldn't meet all of my needs or when I couldn't, or no longer wanted to meet all of theirs.

Nope. Absolutely not a thing. What it comes down to is that I have lots of needs, and I've never found ANYONE that can meet all of them. Because that person doesn't exist, and monogamy doesn't guarantee you a loving, committed relationship with someone you can trust.

Being polyamorous is a part of me. I've had to unlearn so many stupid ideas of what constitutes real love, what it's okay for me to ask for, what is not okay to put up with. What I want, what I need. What I can handle. Sometimes it's really fucking hard. Sometimes you feel like you're going to die because you feel so awful. But isn't that always the risk you take when you open yourself up to love? More love might mean more pain, but it's still more love. And love is beautiful, and so fucking worth it.