I have issues. Codependency, abandonment, control, insecurity, self worth, issues. I come by them honestly. I was never taught how to really love, myself or anyone else. I was taught abuse, in so many forms. I was taught that if you loved something, you controlled it. If the thing you love cannot be controlled, you run. You either physically pick up and take the fuck off, or you metaphorically run away with substance abuse or emotional affairs. This has obviously not taught me to be a healthy, functional adult, especially in romantic relationships. I have a filter that tells me that no one will like me if I say what I think and act how I feel, that there will always be someone better and lovelier and more worthy of being wanted, because they're just, more than I am. I don't know how to(or have any desire to be) anyone other than myself though, so that ends up with a lot of me just, not saying anything, and watching the better, lovelier, mores of the world take over my desired spaces, which I secede, because I feel I'm undeserving anyway, and we may as well get it over with. I will not fight for things I want, because I am too afraid to lose. Rejection is basically an affirmation of everything I feel about myself.
How then, to learn to love myself? I know how to be independent in the basic ways, I can support myself financially, I enjoy my own company, etc. I know it's okay to ask people for help, to have a support system of friends, but it just always feels wrong. I'm either too candid and get myself in trouble, or I'm not honest and it doesn't help anyway. Where's the balance? How do I not overwhelm people with all of my bullshit? People have their own lives, and I'm not really worth the time. All I ever do is feel feelings, and I'm good to talk to, but my problems are so fucking stupid.
