So I've been on the verge of a bit of a nervous breakdown lately. Just stressy stress stress. I hated my job a lot so I quit. But then I was super stressed because I didn't have a job, so I said I'd stay on two days a week, and then THAT stressed me out because I fucking hate it there, and THAT created some weird tension in my neck and shoulders which gave me sharp blinding pains in my head, which brought me to the doctor who gave me some anti-inflammatory meds which make me all woozy and hurt my tummy. Literally making myself sick with anxiety. And everyone wants to be a good friend and be supportive and it's just overwhelming because I can't fucking handle so many people caring about me at the same time. Everyone's got advice and love and I know it's supposed to help but it just, doesn't. It's just more expectations, and demands on my time. Pressure. It's not that I don't appreciate it, it's just that I can't fucking handle it. Everyone wants to be there for me and if I don't let them do that, I end up feeling like a bad friend for not letting them comfort me. So THAT ends up stressing me out. So, basically, I'm pretty fucking stressed out.
So next week, I'm running away. I've decided to be slightly irresponsible(since as aforementioned, I do not have much of a job or savings) and take a little three day trip to Seattle. Just me and some books. Chill out. CALM THE FUCK DOWN. Take some Sara time. Away from everything. Immerse myself in strangers, cheap booze and an abundance of Mexican food. God I love Mexican food. And I'm doing it for super cheap. 29 dollars for a round trip on the Bolt Bus and 105 for three nights at The Green Tortoise Hostel, which is apparently a super sweet place to stay and that 105 includes 3 breakfasts and a dinner. 135 dollars for travel, lodgings and 4 meals? Fuck yeah. And Seattle has a fucking bathhouse that I can actually go in! Stupid not being a gay man keeping me out of all the damn bathhouses in Vancouver. All I want is to be naked and warm, preferably in a semi public setting (cause I'm an exhibitionist like that) surrounded by other naked people (cause I'm voyeuristic like that). Anyway, stoked. From Thursday to Sunday, I will be out of the fucking country.
Hopefully I'll come back with some faith in myself.
Because I know that's the real problem. This deep seated belief in my own unworthiness is why I can't handle all the amazing love and support, why I'm nervous and anxious about the unknown. Because what if everything doesn't work out? What if everyone really doesn't like me, and no one will hire me?
I know that it's not true, that I'm amazing and awesome and genuine and when I'm happy everything is rainbows.
I know that. I just need to hang out with myself for awhile, so I can believe it. I need some time to remember rainbows.
Thursday 27 March 2014
Tuesday 18 March 2014
Unemployed In Vancouver (In This Economy? Are You Fucking Joking?)
I quit my job. I feel stupid. I feel awesome. I feel scared.
In this economy, living in one of the most expensive cities in the entire world, and I am 10 days from being unemployed. I'm so freaked out right now. I'm just not one of those people that has, you know, savings. I have no debt and I've got good credit but I still live paycheck to paycheck. Which is a big problem when there's no paycheck.
But that job was bringing me down, man. Four and a half years of cutting up animals all day, wearing a uniform, having any aesthetic self expression weeded out with arbitrary dress code and "hygiene" rules, the joys of customer service in the food industry (Yes, I'm serving you, that does not make me your servant. You don't get to talk to me like that.). Having my personality traits cordoned off into what is workplace acceptable and what isn't? Bitch, please. You don't own me. As long as I'm friendly, helpful, and doing my job, why the fuck do you think you get to tell me how to live my life? Because you pay me? Nope. Fuck this. I'm done. All I want in life is autonomy and a damn nose ring. There were a lot of things keeping me there, though. I've worked with a lot of great people, it's so routine that it's easy, and the pay isn't awful. But I hated going to work.
So, I quit. I knew that if I didn't just go for it, if I waited until I found another job, I would chicken out, stop looking, stop trying. Continue settling for less. Because I can't just quit. What if I can't find anything? I can't go through that again. And why do I think I deserve better anyway? I'm not good at anything, I don't have anything to offer, I don't even have a high school diploma, and on and on with the self-debasing personal assessments. I see the same thing in relationships all the time. People staying with someone that overall makes them miserable because if they left, there's the potential that they'd be more miserable. Fear of unknown misery makes it easy to trap yourself into being miserable, because at least you know what you're up against.
But no longer! I will find something better. I will find something that makes me happy. Something that serves me, too. No more of this one sided My Life For a Paycheck bullshit.
In this economy, living in one of the most expensive cities in the entire world, and I am 10 days from being unemployed. I'm so freaked out right now. I'm just not one of those people that has, you know, savings. I have no debt and I've got good credit but I still live paycheck to paycheck. Which is a big problem when there's no paycheck.
But that job was bringing me down, man. Four and a half years of cutting up animals all day, wearing a uniform, having any aesthetic self expression weeded out with arbitrary dress code and "hygiene" rules, the joys of customer service in the food industry (Yes, I'm serving you, that does not make me your servant. You don't get to talk to me like that.). Having my personality traits cordoned off into what is workplace acceptable and what isn't? Bitch, please. You don't own me. As long as I'm friendly, helpful, and doing my job, why the fuck do you think you get to tell me how to live my life? Because you pay me? Nope. Fuck this. I'm done. All I want in life is autonomy and a damn nose ring. There were a lot of things keeping me there, though. I've worked with a lot of great people, it's so routine that it's easy, and the pay isn't awful. But I hated going to work.
So, I quit. I knew that if I didn't just go for it, if I waited until I found another job, I would chicken out, stop looking, stop trying. Continue settling for less. Because I can't just quit. What if I can't find anything? I can't go through that again. And why do I think I deserve better anyway? I'm not good at anything, I don't have anything to offer, I don't even have a high school diploma, and on and on with the self-debasing personal assessments. I see the same thing in relationships all the time. People staying with someone that overall makes them miserable because if they left, there's the potential that they'd be more miserable. Fear of unknown misery makes it easy to trap yourself into being miserable, because at least you know what you're up against.
But no longer! I will find something better. I will find something that makes me happy. Something that serves me, too. No more of this one sided My Life For a Paycheck bullshit.
Tuesday 11 March 2014
Adventures in Veganism!
I'm not vegan. Not yet anyway. Probably someday. I switched out dairy milk for almond milk years ago, use coconut oil for cooking and as a butter substitute on popcorn, and I eat meat and cheese sparingly(mostly only when it's free). So I'm not far off. And then last Sunday, I set out to make some mushroom soup. When I noticed that all of the ingredients I had were totally vegan, and the soup turned out super well, I thought, "Neat!" and endeavored to see what else I could make, because I'd been under the impression that being vegan was kind of hard. It's not. It's particularly easy if you like soup. I've made tomato soup, spicy mushroom soup and quinoa and black bean chili(Yum). I made nachos with Daiya cheese(reminded me of the nacho cheese you get from 7-11) and Tofutti's sour cream substitute. I bought some Gardein crispy tenders and made wraps with salsa and veggies, and I just finished a delicious breakfast consisting of smoked tofu and veggie scramble with hashbrowns. This is just in the last week. All totally vegan, super easy, and SO fucking tasty. And I feel great. Anyone close to me knows what a little bitch my stomach usually is, but cutting back on or cutting out all of those animal products has my little tum tum feeling so happy. (☋) <----This is my tummy.
Not to mention the offloading of guilt and shame. I spent a bit of time on a commercial dairy farm last year and the experience haunts me every time I eat cheese. Those cows are treated like crops. They get impregnated, and then have their calves sold, and then they're forced into a machine every day to get milked by robots that attach to their udders. They stand around all day in their little stalls, and never get to go outside. Remember in Firefly when River says "They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are"? These cows NEVER get to be cows. They spend their whole lives waiting. They're pumped full of antibiotics(yum, yum, that's in your milk now), but they still inevitably get sick from the conditions, and when they do, or when they stop producing enough milk, they're slaughtered. They don't even get to retire to some nice grassy pasture to live out their days. At no point are they treated with any kind of respect. And that's just dairy cows. These aren't even the animals used for the grotesquely exorbitant meat consumption in our society. It's sad, cruel and unnecessary.The only essential nutrient you cannot get from sun exposure and a varied vegan diet with tons of whole grains, legumes, fruits and vegetables is vitamin B12, which is easily supplemented. Just one vitamin.
Anyway, I'm not saying everyone should go vegan RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I'm just saying, hey, maybe think about it, maybe cut back on your animal product intake, see how you feel(betcha it's a whole lot better). I know I was raised to think that if there wasn't meat with every meal, it wasn't a real meal. You probably were too. The propaganda the dairy industry has been cramming down our throats our entire fucking lives doesn't help. Do your own research. Experiment(I always recommend experimentation. Bow-chicka-wow-wow). Try out some alternatives. It's not as hard as it seems.
Not to mention the offloading of guilt and shame. I spent a bit of time on a commercial dairy farm last year and the experience haunts me every time I eat cheese. Those cows are treated like crops. They get impregnated, and then have their calves sold, and then they're forced into a machine every day to get milked by robots that attach to their udders. They stand around all day in their little stalls, and never get to go outside. Remember in Firefly when River says "They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky, and they remember what they are"? These cows NEVER get to be cows. They spend their whole lives waiting. They're pumped full of antibiotics(yum, yum, that's in your milk now), but they still inevitably get sick from the conditions, and when they do, or when they stop producing enough milk, they're slaughtered. They don't even get to retire to some nice grassy pasture to live out their days. At no point are they treated with any kind of respect. And that's just dairy cows. These aren't even the animals used for the grotesquely exorbitant meat consumption in our society. It's sad, cruel and unnecessary.The only essential nutrient you cannot get from sun exposure and a varied vegan diet with tons of whole grains, legumes, fruits and vegetables is vitamin B12, which is easily supplemented. Just one vitamin.
Anyway, I'm not saying everyone should go vegan RIGHT FUCKING NOW, I'm just saying, hey, maybe think about it, maybe cut back on your animal product intake, see how you feel(betcha it's a whole lot better). I know I was raised to think that if there wasn't meat with every meal, it wasn't a real meal. You probably were too. The propaganda the dairy industry has been cramming down our throats our entire fucking lives doesn't help. Do your own research. Experiment(I always recommend experimentation. Bow-chicka-wow-wow). Try out some alternatives. It's not as hard as it seems.
Tuesday 4 March 2014
Thanks, Guys
A few weeks ago, I had a party. This blog came up in conversation, and a friend mentioned that he used to blog, that he would write to process his feelings and thought that maybe people would like to read the process. That is not how I felt about it. I NEVER thought that anyone besides maybe my very close friends would care for anything I had to say, or the overly honest way in which I say it. The only reason I posted that first blog was because I had drank an entire bottle and a half of wine and I was feeling emotional and I didn't care who knew about it.
I was never really encouraged as a kid. I was told what to do a lot. But no one ever told me I could be anything I wanted. I was told not to sing and that my dancing was silly. Told that I was smart but not THAT smart, and there wasn't enough money for me to get a real education anyway. I was belittled, abused and made to feel worthless. People always tell me they're impressed with how I've "overcome adversity" to become the person I am now. Since I started writing, you have all been so fucking nice. I wasn't expecting the outpouring of support and compliments, and to be honest I still don't know how to deal with them. I'm intensely grateful to everyone that even reads it, and for the kind and gracious feedback. I'm pretty pathetic so the outside validation does wonders for my confidence, and being help accountable to write every week is great. I tend to lose faith in myself in any and all of my pursuits, and accordingly have poor long term follow through.
Thank you. You guys rock. See you next week.
I was never really encouraged as a kid. I was told what to do a lot. But no one ever told me I could be anything I wanted. I was told not to sing and that my dancing was silly. Told that I was smart but not THAT smart, and there wasn't enough money for me to get a real education anyway. I was belittled, abused and made to feel worthless. People always tell me they're impressed with how I've "overcome adversity" to become the person I am now. Since I started writing, you have all been so fucking nice. I wasn't expecting the outpouring of support and compliments, and to be honest I still don't know how to deal with them. I'm intensely grateful to everyone that even reads it, and for the kind and gracious feedback. I'm pretty pathetic so the outside validation does wonders for my confidence, and being help accountable to write every week is great. I tend to lose faith in myself in any and all of my pursuits, and accordingly have poor long term follow through.
Thank you. You guys rock. See you next week.
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