The Problem With Pronouns (I Just Want To Be A Drag Queen)

Quick caveat: I use the word "stereotypically" a lot in this post. Stereotypical is not synonymous with normal, nor is it meant to be all inclusive. Just because you're in the specified group, doesn't mean I think you do the specified thing. I don't think anyone is better/worse/more normal whether or not they fit into their stereotypical groups. We're all special fucking snowflakes. I think that applying stereotypes to individuals based on anything is wrong, but if the average majority of any specific group happens to do something more than the average majority of a different group, they are more stereotypically into that thing. That's all. Just averages. Don't get your panties in a twist, and don't think that just because I say "panties" that I mean they're on a woman. 

I decided (today) to start identifying as "Gender-fluid". I have chosen this orientation after extensive research and soul searching and to correspond with my pansexuality. I have oft wished that my gender was as fluid as my sexuality, which, as many of you know, is pretty fucking fluid(in more ways than one. Hey-o. Female ejaculation joke. You're welcome). I am attracted to basically everyone. I was attracted to boys and girls as a child and when I grew up and realized there were more options, I lost my mind. Anyone at my first birthday in Vancouver can testify how I completely lost my shit when a drag queen winked at me. So. Much. Arousal. I like androgyny, masculinity and femininity, in all people. People be sexy, yo. I've identified as pansexual for a couple of years now, but I never thought to question my gender. I'm usually pretty comfortable in my female body, and I identify as a feminist (because I'm into equality and I'm painfully aware that our western society is very much a capitalist patriarchy and that to ever be able to reach the stage where we can all be egalitarians, we need a whole lot of feminism first, from everyone), but if I feel the need to strap down my tits and strap on a dick(which sometimes I am wont to do), I shall, and if I don't want to be confined by gender, I shan't. I want to taste every colour of the rainbow. Hence, gender-fluid. 

 A recent discussion with a friend concerning the need for a "ladies night" brought to light that it would not do for ours to be exclusive to penis-free individuals, because we're an inclusive bunch and anyone that wants to get away from their spouses(or their loneliness), drink wine, watch romantic comedies, paint their nails, talk incessantly, sing, dance and flirt in a safe, consensual, complimentary and gentle manner(which I wish guys weren't stereotypically incapable of) is totally welcome, whether or not they're socially or self identified as females. It's about what we do, not the specific gender of those present, and since we're doing stereotypically "girly" things, I'm okay with keeping the term "Ladies Night". I love having stereotypical "Boy's Nights", too. Drink beer, eat pizza, objectify some strangers and yell at stuff. I'm not into strip clubs for the same reason that I'm not into commercial hetero porn, though. The girls just don't look like they're having that much fun. But I like the other things.  

Do you know what I really like? Stereotypically, flamboyantly gay stuff. Glitter, theatre, sexy, sweaty dancing, public bathhouses, anal sex with men, sexy naked camping trips, gay porn. Love it. Unfortunately, I'm not welcome in Gay Land. Not really. This post was actually inspired by a friend of mine joining a Facebook event for a  big, sexy, nudist camping trip, exclusively for "gay brothers". I'm not a gay brother. I'll never be a gay brother, which means that I don't get to go, even though that literally sounds like my paradise. It makes me sad every day of my life that I won't ever get to have gay sex with a man. I could (and have) had sex with a gay man, but that's not what I mean. I can have sex with girls, and I can have sex with boys and I can have sex with girls that used to be boys and boys that used to be girls and I can strap on a dick and pretend that I'm a boy having sex with any of the above but I will never, ever be able to actually have man on man sex -sigh-. I realize that I'm lacking the basic anatomy, but to me, it's what's in your heart and mind that counts.  

Nude Nerds Are Neat! (Why You Should Go To Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back)

Last night I got invited to attend the media preview for the Geekender's production of Star Wars: The Empire Strips Back. Omg. A-Mah-Zing. There is literally everything you could ever want in a Star Wars nerdlesque show. Sexy Stormtroopers, a Darth Vader that just cannot wait to take her clothes off, an anatomically correct R2-D2 on rollerskates, awkward incestuous makeouts, 80s movie tributes, obscure quotes, penis jokes, sexual tension, partial nudity and glitter.  I laughed until I cried at one point, and during a very sensual, slightly homo-erotic dance number, I confess, I got a bit aroused. AND WE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE THE WHOLE SHOW. The super sexy cast is a veritable melting pot of diversity with many different shapes, sizes and genders all coming together and being simply nerdtastic.

If you're one of the hundreds of people who were blown away by Star Wars: A Nude Hope(and if you didn't see it, big mistake) you will be absolutely amazed at this show. It has all of the sexiness and hilarity, but the tighter, more intricate dance numbers really take it one step further and make it something truly out of this world.

Get your tickets soon. You don't want to be one of the sad people showing up at the theatre and being turned away because it is SO sold out. And it will be. There are three dates for this performance at the Rio Theatre. May 1st, 3rd and 4th. I'm going on May 4th, International Star Wars Day. When are you going?

Misadventures in Seattle (People Are Strange)

People are strange, when you're a stranger.
As you know, I'm in Seattle right now. All by myself, staying at a hostel. Trying to meet people, find stuff to do. I like to drink and dance. I'm friendly, and I like friendly people. The first night, I go on a pub crawl with the hostel. Do some dancing, excessive drinking, make out with a nice Southern boy on the dance floor(perfect gentleman, lousy kisser) and there's this guy from the hostel like, shadowing me the whole time. At first I think he's just being kind, me being drunk and alone and such. But he's just STANDING there on the dance floor next to us. Eventually I take off to walk back to the hostel and the guy(from the hostel, not the Southern boy) accompanies me which I'm grateful for because I'm drunk and it's late. On the way we're talking, I mention something about my boyfriend and he gets all indignant like "What, you have a boyfriend? I just saw you making out with some dude" So I explain the fact that I'm in a poly relationship and that it's fully okay under our agreement and he invites me to a "poly meetup" the next night and then says, "We should make out" I say no, no excuses, just "No, thank you, I'm not sexually attracted to you" and he whiiiiines and whiiines and eventually says "Can't you just make out with me as like, a favour?" Ew. Obviously not. I ask for more information on the poly meetup and he kind of balks and seems like he's withholding so I say, let me know where, when, and what it's about and I'll decide tomorrow, and I go to bed.

Next day I am just grossly hungover, so I wander around, eat food, go to the bathhouse(which was lovely and relaxing), eat some more food, have some drinks and I'm starting to feel better so I head back to the hostel, and the guy from the night before has provided me with exactly this information on the meetup he invited me to: "The place is about a 25 minute bus ride from the hostel, we should leave around 10"  so I do a bit of selective googling, and find what he's talking about. It is a CSPC (Center for Sex Positive Culture) meetup from 7-10:30, and then it's a sex party. I'm down for sex parties, but I'm not down for surprise sex parties (although with the right people...). He didn't even want to go for the meetup portion and THEN the sex party, he was arranging our arrival to coincide only with the sex party. So I'm totally squicked out and pissed off and obviously not going.

At the hostel I meet some people from home, down for the weekend, same as me, but with actual friends and plans and stuff. They invite me along. The plan is to meet up at a friend's place, have some drinks and then head to a dancey dance bar where they're on the guest list. I accept, because I want to dance and I don't know where to go. We get to the friend's place. There's three people there, a girl from Van(the connection), her boyfriend who owns the place, and his friend. The girl is super chill, very nice, so's the friend. But, the guy that owns the place? Kind of a dick. I realize that I'm a total stranger, and I'm in his apartment. I get it, I'm particular about whom I allow in my space, too. But, It's me. I'm like, the least threatening person you could ever have in your apartment. Five minutes of conversation could establish that. But this guy didn't even bother. Just told me not to touch his stuff because he didn't know me, that he didn't understand why I was even there. Hostile, yo. Even the nice girlfriend is like, "Hey, don't let him be mean to you". Red flag, much?

Anyway, we go to the club. We were supposed to be there by 11:00 for the guest list, but we show up around 11:15 so I'm thinking we've missed it.  I'm in the regular line up, showing ID, getting ready to pay cover, whatevs, I just want to dance, I literally give zero fucks past that, but Buddy's all "No, no, I'm getting bottle service, we get to go in this door, no cover, no worries" So I'm thinking, alright, Buddy here's a fucking baller, he wants to include me in this extravagant night? Awesome. We go in. Dancey dance, hip hop bar. Super into it. We have a fancy ass table, pretty waitresses pouring drinks for us, good times. Guy from the apartment earlier still being kind of a dick, and like, I'm pretty drunk by this point, and I say to his girlfriend, "Hey, your boyfriend's kind of a dick" (In retrospect, and honestly, even as I was saying it I knew it wasn't going to go over well) and I can tell that she knows it's true but she says "Since you're just hanging out for free, maybe you shouldn't say shit like that".  Did you know that if people offer you things and you accept, you are immediately thereafter denied an opinion? I didn't. And I'm not down with that, so as soon as this girl says this to me, I search out Mr. Buddy Baller and ask him how much money I can give him to abscond this weird debt I feel I've got now. Because that's not okay, I'm not about to give up my opinion for some free booze.

 I guess everyone ends up getting kicked out (not me, because as I mentioned, I'm lovely)but all I know is that all of the sudden, they're gone. I think I've been ditched. Like, I'm not that worried, I'm drunk and dancing and the hostel's only a few blocks away. I dance a bit longer and head back to blog, I've had red bull, alcohol and experiences and I am ready to get into the zone. I get on the computer, start typing shit out and the same fucking guy shows up and asks if he can sit with me. I say "I'm writing right now. You can sit there, but I don't want to talk and I can't write when people read over my shoulder." He sits down anyway, of course. I keep writing, he's talking a bit, but I'm in the zone and liking him less and less with every minute he forces his company on me. These two girls that are staying at the hostel(early twenties, attractive, straight, from Georgia I think)  come over to talk to me, we're sort of tentative dancey friends and they want to talk about their night so they come sit, and a group of guys joins us. Everyone's getting along great, drunk, chatting. But this fucking guy is just pissing me off, and he says something about me not going with him to the thing and I give him shit for not telling me it was a sex party, and it's clear in his response that he knew and was very intentionally keeping it from me. Sleazy fuck. I've drifted over to the girls and I'm standing behind one, just stroking her hair and being friendly, flirty and touchy-feely (y'all know how I do). She's curious as to what goes on at a sex party, exactly, and instead of taking the opportunity to to help her learn some stuff this fucking guy starts being a condescending prick. Says "Oh you're so pure, you'll probably end up marrying an accountant or something" and I'm like, "Wtf? Why would that mean anything? Accountant's have sex lives too, our society's just sexually repressed." and he was like "Yeah, and she'd probably just repress her accountant husband even further." I am getting rage face at this point and I say "Just because she's not super sexually enlightened does NOT mean that you get to be a fucking asshole to her, stop it." SO NATURALLY IT'S BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO FUCK HER. That's the only possible reason for sticking up for her that this guy can fathom, and what he accuses me of. No, actually, I don't have to pretend to be a decent human being in order to lure unsuspecting women into bed. I am not a fucking predator and women are not prey. Every woman that comes to bed with me is informed, in decent control of their faculties and enthusiastically dtf. Not to mention that the girl is clearly straight. And like, I know better than most(Sup, ladies?) that just because you're straight, doesn't mean you aren't into hooking up with me(fluid female sexuality ftw) but in no way am I trying to or even considering trying to get this girl into bed. Like, I'd be down, she's super cool and sexy and smells good, but I'm just being friendly and reveling in some non threatening physical contact.
But this fucking guy says that the only reason I'm sticking up for her is because I'm trying to trick her into bed. So I'm like fuck this guy, I'm going to bed. Everyone, good night, be safe. See you tomorrow. I make it up to my room and realize I need to drink at least six glasses of water before I can sleep so I come back down. On my way back up, there's the girl I was "trying to sleep with" in the middle of a very flirty conversation with one of the guys from earlier so I offer them some condoms because, well, that's just how I roll.